No More Sleep, I've Got KD Dust on my Cheeks

I am Philip Shearing, AKA Jeremy Brendan. I used to be a blogger and wrote a couple of hundred articles/interviews/reviews/political op-eds between the years 2003 to 2007.

Writing for some is like watching the Canadian side of Niagara Falls, with these lucky ducks able to observe the deluge of ideas and dreams that course forth, only having to go to the trouble of jotting them down as they flow past. This has been documented to make less prolific authors jealous, malcontent, or even in some cases suicidal.

I was never blessed with that flood--I had to consciously try to write every day, or at least get sufficiently sauced on cheap House ale and carry around a pretentious little notebook with a Bic Pen, tawdry notes back and forth with buxom classmates on the back pages--so going into what I am afraid to call blog-hibernation in the years since then was a blessed relief.

Today, that sleep will end. I have found a cause that gently swept the harp in my heart, the Campaign to Save Ketchup Doritos (KD). [Note of disclosure: I'm also in love with the other half of this blog and we live together, but that does not temper my deep and undying affection for KD.] 

We are demonstrating today the beginning of what I hope will prove to be an exponential curve (1 blogger becomes 2 becomes 4 and so on) to drive the cause forward, to guarantee that our children and our children's children can all enjoy Ketchup Doritos without fear of reprisal or state sanction.

Join us in this great cause. Donate if you can.

Doritos are made from corn, not potato.

It has happened! My first mention on another blog!

At first, I  thought the author of this article appeared to understand my cause and dedication to seeing the Save Ketchup Doritos! Campaign move forward. My excitement from this recognition has been stifled by the insincerity the author appears to have once you finish the read. There was no consultation, the article was devoid of references, and the facts inaccurate. Say it ain't so. 

We have seen it many times before: a true fact becomes of interest to the people and as it grows, especially if the rate is high or exponential, the more distorted and altered the facts become until they are, well, not facts at all. 

What is terribly important about this article is the botched description of my education, writing that I am earning an MA in phamacology. Here is a link to my MSc thesis from the University of Toronto libraries in cell biology. I am presently in pursuit of the cure for Alzheimer's Disease (in addition to my championing the fight to save the new KD).

The more time I spent thinking of it though, the more I wondered what an MA in pharmacology would study? Maybe be the visual piece of the puzzle in teaching and communicating the study of pharma? But this is a moot point here.

The writing seems to lack a certain respect for personal relationships. the article recalls a time when I had a stint drumming in my boyfriend's band. Our respectful decision to separate love and profession in this band (we are in a band together called Muffin Cup) was written about casually as a quarrel about an encore (and who would care about this fact anyway?) The author also hurried the upcoming release of Paddle to the Sea's first album to this week?!! I am not sure when it is but no date of release has been announced.

Stay tuned music lovers. 

While some are making tracks, others are losing their facts.

Ketchup Doritos: the new kid on the block

I knew it was going to get ugly. I anticipated a divide that I would soon see separating families and lovers, neighbours and co-workers. Canadians were turning on one another in an effort to Save the KD chip, at least for another year if they won the grand prize of the new game on the block put out by Doritos to see how deep your love is for the flavour (http://www.fastcocreate.com/3042550/doritos-pits-canadians-against-each-other-in-a-fight-over-ketchup-chips).

I was handling my internal struggle of the situation quite fine but what I didn't anticipate and what I could not have imagined occurred next. The extent of depravity felt by Americans south of the boarder from the lack of KD (new acronym of KD meaning Ketchup Doritos) in their lives, even if it was going to cause the same internal fights as it is doing in Canada, was enormous and is only getting larger. Maybe it is because a lack of access to something desired seems like a limitation of freedom, especially when there's a flavour-embrace of the Doritos occurring just across nation-wide lines that seems to be rubbing it in their faces.

What will happen next?

Do I have the same favourite flavour of Doritos as a killer?

I was conducting research in my campaign to Save Ketchup Doritos! and I stumbled upon the precise description of a series of items desired for a man on death row's last meal:

"Biros also ordered his last meal: a cheese pizza with extra cheese, onions, mushrooms, and green peppers, deep-fried onion rings and mushrooms with ketchup, Doritos chips with French onion dip, cherry pie, blueberry ice cream, and Dr. Pepper" (http://www.dispatch.com/content/stories/local/2009/12/07/biros-arrives.html).

It is clear from the article that ketchup (for his mushrooms?) and Doritos were among the foods he wanted to eat for his final meal. What is not so clear, but certainly possible, is which flavour he had in mind for his Doritos and whether it was ketchup that he ate that day in 2009.

If ketchup was his chosen accompaniment to have with the deep-fried mushroom, it is plausible that he had the flavour in mind as the seasoning for the beloved deep-fried corn chip.

Was ketchup available as a flavour in '09? And even if it was not, I still have to ask myself,

"If my campaign is successful, am I also saving the Ketchup Doritos for the next crim's last meal?"


On a side note and what is also interesting from researching this Doritos-loving yet also killer-man's last meal is that there is a blog that tracks the last meal of those on death row called Dead Man Eating (http://deadmaneating.blogspot.ca/). There is a lot more one could say about this blog but in another place.

Favourite Doritos Flavours Poll

What is the coolest Doritos flavour?

You can see the passion extended to our cherished Ketchup Doritos and the commitment people have in fighting for the "freedom to eat 'em." Now before you go and retweet that turn of phrase simply because it rhymes, let me make my case for the Ketchup Doritos by a review.

Cool Ranch gets votes right out of the opening gate for being the flavour most popular in current polls (included in this category are any other variations on the Cool name). I have heard them being called Cool American or Cool Original or Cool ... whatever. The point is that they're inferior and yet they're number one. They are killing us. They are beating us in every aisle of every supermarket and, I will tell you what, it is because they have deregulated distribution in the international market. Unbridled success. And we are going to get it for Ketchup Doritos.

Cool Ranch loses votes upon closer examination for its flavour name. The word cool in its original use signified an emotional sadness or even more extreme such as an act of antisocial violence.  That word changed its tune from the likeability of one man, Lester Young the progenitor and epitome of the term, after which it was used to describe a hip vibe akin to a defiant jazz musician parading around with his Whacky Tobaccy. Emotionally sad or violent Doritos would have never sold. Since when is a language fluid and ever-evolving? Latin and Greek didn't put up with that but they are dead.

All the cool flavours have the same ingredients listed and claim to taste identical, the only difference being their name. Are we suppose to succumb solely to the chemical combinations dancing on our tongue and simply ask, what's in a name? I'll tell you what's in a name, Shakespeare (or Francis Bacon if you ascribe to the Baconian theory of Shakespeare authorship), and the answer is everything. Sometimes it is unavoidable to have to avoid things just based on their description. I don't even think I have seen a Cool American ever appreciating the setting of a Cool Ranch. The multiple names of the Cool Ranch flavour may as well be a CCC, a Cool Ranch Conspiracy.

All of the other flavours are losers and not worth mentioning. We need to focus on the Ketchup Doritos as the lead dog. The campaign has to run as smoothly as one's own funeral and just like it, you want reassurance from a longstanding name giving you peace of mind and reinforcing that that they know what they're doing. You don't want it to be a situation where there's only a stack of bologna on a table with no fork. You want to see some Ketchup Doritos on the table.

Don't forget to vote!

Citizens of the World

Albert Camus said he was not just a citizen of France, but one of the world. I am calling on all citizens of the world to join together and describe their experiences meeting, greeting and ideally eating flavourful Ketchup Doritos.

Share your stories, we want your voices to be heard! We can make a difference if we all sing in unison. Ketchup Doritos are our birthright!


  

Will Donald Trump support the KD Cause if they wish him a Merry Christmas?

I conducted a search to find other coveted flavours of Doritos that are discontinued or are available somewhere just not everywhere. I hoped to speak to their mourners with whom I could find inspiration and garner the tools to drive on in the "KD Cause", or at the very least some solace.

I read many stories of past flavour flings and saw instgrams of flavours isolated here and there.

Donald Trump would love the Crispy Salmon flavour from Japan as it wishes the consumer a Merry Christmas from the words clearly visible on the outside packaging. Then again, are Doritos a tad too Mexican for Donald?

Cool Ranch Conspiracy

Flavours come and go, but Cool Ranch, Zesty Cheese, and Nacho Cheese seem to be the Three Musketeers, the 3 Amigos, or any other trinity one might find (Father/Son/Holy Spirit?)

Where is the Cool Ranch, and how do we get there? Are Zesty and Nacho brothers? Do they live at the Cool Ranch? Or is the Cool Ranch just a metaphor for chips that taste like Cool Ranch?

Will there ever be a flavour as Cool as the one that bears the adjective?

Save Ketchup Doritos!

All across Canada, many people are asking themselves why Ketchup Doritos are apparently "available for a limited time only." Is there a shortage of Ketchup flavouring in the Canadian (we presume) Doritos factory? Has someone sabotaged their supply chain, thereby reducing the quantities needed to fulfill the incredible demand for Ketchup Doritos? Has the whole world gone mad?