Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Montreal CBC cameraman in search of Ketchup Doritos

In a piece I wrote for JeremyBrendan, I drew attention to an idling CBC van on a warm winter day and questioned the network's commitment to reducing emissions and going green.

Recent developments lead us to believe the cameraman's extended absence from the van was unintentional as he thought he would only be a minute or two at most.  He was in search of a bag of Ketchup Doritos and thought he would pop in and out in no time only to find depanneur after depanneur devoid of the limited time only corn chip.

Now the youngsters with energy and the lefties on welly can spend all day tooting over here and there in search of a snack instead of being hard at work or hard in search of work but what about the suit and tie with no time to spare folks who need to get what they want when they want it!?

It appears that the desire for Doritos has put the lefts and rights on common ground: increase KD availability, decrease carbon emissions.

How wonderful.

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Emperor Bannon Strikes Back

Any Star Wars fan would agree that Emperor palpitine was always the one running the show.
Is this now true of the infamous Donald and Bannon duo too?

You know Bannon. Now take this quiz to see how well you know Emperor Palpitine aka Darth Sidious so I can take your opinions seriously when you weigh in on the subject after reading this post.

Trump would like nothing more than to be Darth, he has pointed out several times that Darth is a perfect name for him once he takes office: D for Donald replacing the E in Earth and you have Darth. Perfect.

You also may have noticed his pointing during public appearances. He took a page from Sidious with that one. Bannon agrees which is probably why he liked this photo, made by one of the writers of this blog, Philip Shearing. You can check his Instagram here and show your support.

May the force be with you!

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Trump invests in Doritos on Mars

Trump has been busy since being named the President-elect. With him as the lead dog, we won't NEED to move to Mars because we have destroyed the Earth, rather, we will WANT to move there for all of the new buildings and opportunities he will create, all we have to do is get there!!

Taking a cue from Trump on this matter, I say, let's forget how to get there for a minute, for the real question on the minds of people in limbo on going to Mars is whether Ketchup Doritos will be there when they arrive, right? And the truth is, Trump supporters could care less about Mr. Musk or SpaceX rockets. I heard he wasn't even born here.  

Trump's newest move is a smart one though it may be misguided: he asked NASA to continue at full-speed with the initiative of growing potatoes on Mars, granted, not so fast the hair on Trump's head takes off on its own Mars trajectory, it is crucial a President-elect keeps composure and appears reticent. We wouldn't want a wardrobe malfunction to ruin it.

I am not sure if Donald is aware that Doritos are in fact a corn chip and therefore made from corn rather than potatoes but its an easy mistake, they don't have Ketchup Doritos in the U.S. after all.

I want to be clear here, I am not attempting to slight President-elect. Good friends tell it like it is, and though he and most of his supporters cannot read, I have to state my intentions to protect myself in the event he finds out and shames me via Twitter. Can you imagine the humiliation from such a credible man? My life would be over.

The Ketchup Doritos on Mars initiative will have the support of both Melania and Ivanka, as ever since it was reported flowers were in fact thriving aboard the international space station, these hotties wanted to improve on the ambiance by replacing them with Ketchup Doritos Roses. I agree, fake things last longer and are less maintenance. You don't even really have to pay attention to them or understand how they survive and to their wondement, they  just keep on keeping on. Amazing, really.

Yet, alas, there is still a lot of convincing Mr. Trump about working with Canada and it's hippie-dippie policies but they are the beholder of the red corn triangles so his supporters are trying to push the fact that the left over Doritos dust in the bag and be rubbed on the skin for instant touch-ups by him and body doubles once the going gets tough.

He liked that.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Protesters are burning world's supply of Ketchup Doritos

Maybe there is a protest gene? And if so, thanks be to God for putting it there for those protest votes - most likely cast by the protesters lighting the fires in Portland and praising third parties- led to the election of Trump. Yea haw 'merika!!

Speaking of fires, I heard they were started with Ketchup Doritos. Yes, you read right folks, the chip is a woodsmen's best friend and in a pinch will heat you up the colour of orange you know and love. Just check out these you tube videos. But they're not camping in Portland.

I have a theory, 'merika.

We all know this loveable chip is only available in Canada so either these protesters are illegal immigrants or smugglers. Either way both of 'em bad and wasting precious chips is a crime in itself. Chips over rights to freedom of speech, protesters.
These 'testers' are in angst because they couldn't vote for the now president-elect Donald Trump, though they probably wanted to, you know they wanted to. Look folks, either they are not U.S. citizens or they are U.S. Criminals and will go to jail for smuggling KD into the country and we know prisoners can't vote (another American beauty).

In retaliation, Ketchup Doritos calls on President-elect Trump to invade Canada and recover the world's supply of Ketchup Doritos. We need to keep them out of the hands of protestors because we don't know, we just don't know.

If there is a protest gene, Gene sharp has it. He has been nominated for the Nobel peace prize several times but has never won because protesters never win anything, right?

Always a bridesmaid.

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Doritos Roulette is a Dangerous Game

Gambling is a harmless pursuit. Where would Hollywood be without classics such as Casino or The Gambler? Countless Americans depend on gaming for extra income or for free appetizers. FYI I am not even counting the thousands of croupiers, bouncers, video camera surveillance jockeys and the immense cornucopia of prostitutes who rely on the good graces of gamblers to "make ends meet."

Imagine my surprise when my trusty sidekick forwarded me a link to a website that led to another website which referenced actual journalism done by a real News-Paper (not really sure what they mean by that, but they sounded legitimate) which implied that Doritos could HARM people?

According to our friends across the Atlantic, a young lady eating Roulette Doritos allegedly suffered an "asthma attack" by eating one of said Doritos, never mind the thousands of studies that prove otherwise. 

An easy answer would be to stick to Ketchup Doritos, the only real snack worth even dying over. Doritos Roulette may be dangerous so stay with the safe option, the one you know won't spice-nuke your tongue and leave you choking like you just swallowed a scorpion.

Friday, July 29, 2016

Transgender issues are coming up again

A transgender student threw up on the hallway floor of their high school today just steps away from the bathroom facilities. The student said they truly did not know which bathroom to run into at the time because, in fact, no one has ever personally asked them where they would like to pee since the issue was made a public matter by people who are not transgender across the nation.

The upset stomach arose after the student was seen binge-eating Ketchup Doritos in the schoolyard. The Canadian-only limited edition snack was 'just too irresistible' for the American kid who was given more than a few serving sizes after his friend returned from vacation north of the border. This issue could have been avoided had a warning been placed on the bag indicating its highly addictive properties, much like the FDA does for approved drugs. Americans should not be blamed for over-eating, especially when they didn't know any better.

The issue of transgender students is not a new one but its use by the Dems to distract from real issues like Donald Trump's idea to build a wall out of corn stalks is. This was emphasized by a native of Deleware, Sarah McBride, who spoke at the DNC about her transgender experience and her support for Hillary and her party's transgender platform when they could have been talking about something else.

Another 10 states have sued the Obama administration over bathroom guidance for transgendered students and discussions will continue.

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Canadian PM Justin Trudeau Loves Ketchup Doritos & Yoga

Do Grade-A Squawkers like to snap at Saucy chips? If a recent shot revealed in our Ketchup Doritos blog isn't a rag o' lies, then that's a Ketchup Doritos dust-red-handed yes! A perched petulant parrot appears here in a photo next to a bag of Ketchup Doritos shamelessly here in one of the hallways of Winnipeg's Canadian Museum of Human Rights, his smug laugh reminding us of the last damned Canuck election.

If his fondness for reggae and incense teaches us anything, then it's safe to say his sinister plan is to teach our parrots to speak a single word each, and then to use his parliamentary leverage to ram through legislation to give them the right to vote, and you know which word he'll teach them. "LIBERAL"

Trudeau was once a drama teacher so you know that he wants to cause a bunch of dramatic feeling in the populace. He probably expects the Maritimes to think about how She left Him for the shifty-eyed American Choppers-wearing Assistant Manager of the Dixie Lee from Port Daniel, or to remind Saskatchewan of the moment when They realized that death was a true thing and Mama wasn't coming home.

The PM once drew a picture of a middle finger to depict the new Ottawa-funded Human Rights Building in Winnipeg, Manitoba. Defensively, his Press Attaché said,  "(Trudeau) didn't have time to make the Obama pinky ring because he was busy finding new reasons to collect personal income tax from ordinary Canadians."

Postcard-sized copies of the painting were bought and sold like common chattel. The original sold at an auction for $25,000 and could have been bought by anyone, even the crooked bastards from ISIS.

Some art collectors could see right through the water-coloured dream and were unimpressed.

If we've learned anything from this ordeal, you can teach a PM to Squalker, but you can't make him brinks-manship.

[Ed. Note: Jeremy Brendan helped to polish, buffet, and massage this article until it squealed with delight like some sort of porcine bride, unencumbered by the worry of the fall season and the looming political slaughter.]